A stain you can't wipe off

They say that confidence is a stain you can’t wipe off. And by they I mean a lyric to a Lil’ Wayne rap song, highly credible words of wisdom. I want to ponder this though because I think it’s a powerful statement. Unfortunately a common theme for women is to lack confidence in the work place, and maybe that’s an unfair statement and I’m over generalizing, but this is my blog and that’s been my perception of women I’ve met over the years. In my adolescent and teen years I was anything but confident, I was the perfect illustration of awkward; clothes that didn’t fit my body type, unkempt bangs, greasy pony tails, glasses and braces to boot. But as I got older and grew into my own, I started growing this little seed of confidence. I can’t really say when, or why, but I can certainly recall events that helped solidify it.

Leading my own company for almost 10 years really cemented in that confidence – and sometimes I might have over done it. But this is not the time for airing out all my mistakes. Anyways, there was a girl that joined our company as an intern for about a year. She wasn’t your typical college intern, this was a PhD data scientist from India who didn’t have a proper visa in the US so her employment options were limited. She was amazing, smarter than I don’t know what, super sweet, and hungry to learn even from people that were clearly academically inferior. She was shy though, very thoughtful when she spoke in a group but certainly not a loud voice if you know what I mean. I enjoyed getting to know her and after our year together she had to return home. I took her out to lunch to say goodbye and she asked me, “in an industry dominated by men, how are you so confident to lead?” This question knocked me off my feet a little. Honestly, I had never really thought about it. I gave her the most candid answer that I could find, that it had never occurred to me that I couldn’t or shouldn’t be confident, I honestly never noticed that I was surrounded by men so I never knew that I couldn’t be one of them. I think I further told her that my dad was very enthusiastic that I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grow up, which helped pave the way for me to find confidence in whatever I chose. We finished our salads and hugged goodbye, that was that.

Fast forward a few years later, and bear with me here because we’re going to skip several years’ worth of content in this story. I’m now living in Dallas, a new mom, working from home for a company I’m not thrilled about, feeling resentful about selling my company and how it turned out, and honestly, lacking in the confidence department because I felt like I had lost so much of my pride and identity when I left Chicago and sold my company. Well, the cosmos aligned and I reconnected with my intern friend on LinkedIn, we exchanged well wishes, sent pictures of our kids and promised to stay in touch. Then she sent me a note and she said, “I have to tell you, at our goodbye lunch you gave me some advice. You said, if you’re feeling unsure, just realize that everyone in the room already likes you, and that’s how you shine with confidence.” (I said that? I guess I’m sage, huh?) She told me how many times she’s thought about that and it had helped her in her new role with a huge international accounting firm where she now worked in India – heavily male dominated.

Confidence is impermanent, circumstances change, and we’re always evolving. But it is also a part of you – a stain that you can’t wipe off. We’re all vulnerable, imperfect human beings and we go through periods where we feel confident and times when we don’t. It’s an incredibly powerful sentiment to carry confidence with you in not just your interactions with people at work, but confidence with yourself too. Confident that when you make commitments to yourself you keep them, that’s where you can start to grow that seed so confidence becomes part of you. There is nothing more powerful than projecting confidence in your voice when you’re speaking, meeting, collaborating, negotiating – but the most magnificently powerful thing is teaching your kid confidence. Tell them that you’re confident in them, tell them that they are strong and powerful and that you trust them. Let them learn that confidence is in them and that even though they too will have unkempt bangs and weird t-shirts with tamagotchis on them, they can know that when they walk in a room they will know that everyone already likes them.