Not an Organic Fairy Tale - stories about real life shit

“Once it reaches a millimeter in size the mortality rate increases significantly, yours is at .2 mm.”  Those were the words I heard from the Dermatologist within the first 2 minutes of him walking in the door. I’m sorry, what? Mortality? Why are you even throwing that word around? It’s 9 am on a fucking Wednesday morning and I’m here for what I thought was a pretty routine melanoma spot removed from my leg. My head was spinning, I barely remember the rest of the conversation, something about showing me how to check my lymph nodes to monitor the cancer spreading, something about oncologist and genetic testing, I was mostly blacked out…mentally. He numbed my leg and then removed the spot, and then I had to wait for a plastic surgeon to stitch it. What?? To say I didn’t understand the gravity of this appointment is an understatement. My head is spiraling. My palms are sweating, the backs of my eyes are stinging with the threat of tears. Meanwhile, I’m wearing this stupid COVID face ma...

A couple of weeks ago our financial planner asked us what sort of emotion fueled our purchases. I took a moment to reflect; when I'm happy I buy stuff because I feel good and it feels like a reward; when I'm sad I buy stuff to cure whatever sadness I'm trying to overcome; when I'm mad I buy out of revenge. Not a good path - right? Buying less and saving more has always been a struggle. Over time I've learned to identify behaviors in my life that I find less than satisfying and to trace the origin of what void they filled (at one point), and therefore were learned. I find that the only way I can change my behavior is to unlearn something negative and replace it with something positive. But this is easier said than done. I have these vivid memories of my mom pulling me out of school when I did well on a test and would take me to the mall to go shopping. This is coupled with memories of my mom going to TJ max when she was mad at my dad...to go shopping. There is no s...

I follow some women on Instagram that post things about their morning routine, and I don’t know why but I find this so oddly satisfying! There is something so revealing about an intimate, behind the scenes look at someone else’s everyday life. There are usually no thrills, but it’s as if you’re stealing a glance into someone’s private moments. A porky’s peep hole if you will, except, less nudity. Grab your popcorn and get comfortable, here is the Hollywood premier of my morning routine. I usually wake up around 7 am, but this is always evolving with Gigi’s sleep schedule. Maybe the better way to phrase this is ‘lately she lets me sleep until 7 am.’ I actually love waking up early and being productive, I would definitely say I’m more of an early bird than a night owl. As a newish mom the only time I get to myself is after Gigi goes to bed, which is getting later and later, which in turn is sending me to bed later and making it more challenging to wake up early. I wake up and immed...

The health history of my 12 lb chihuahua (I know, he’s chunky) is complicated. In 2015 we noticed that he was bumping into corners and the edge of furniture, so we took him to the vet, it just didn’t seem normal for him. Turns out he had cataracts in both eyes and a detached retina in one eye. Oy vey, we weren’t expecting that. We love this silly little dog so much that we spent $12,000 on procedures for him to remove the cataracts and reattach the retina. I’ll pause so you can throw up at the shock of that number…Well, we learned that if your retina is detached for too long <and you don’t know about it> that it deteriorates and you can’t successfully attach it and gain your vision back. For the better part of a year Taco had his own spreadsheet with a matrix of medicines and eye drops that we had to give him each day, it was complex. As a Jack Russel, his brother Jeter just had some maniacally hyper behavior but was otherwise healthy. Except for the year he ate glass Christmas...

Yesterday was Mother’s Day, or maybe it was Valentine’s Day? Honestly, it felt a little unclear by the display in Target…rows of flowers, rose wine and champagne, chocolates, and DIY face masks. Maybe that’s the secret undertone of Mother’s Day all along – loving yourself enough to take a break? Romance? Seems like there’s a lot of opportunity for improvement with that marketing strategy. IMO nothing says Happy Mother’s Day more than giant banners advertising an all-inclusive no kids/no husbands allowed Mexican resort...right!? I’m joking…kind of…I’d miss them too much… I don’t like to go into any holiday with enormous expectations that only I find important…talk about setting yourself up for failure! If no one in my family made their appreciation known except for one random day in the middle of May, then we have bigger problems that cannot be solved with a bouquet of roses once a year. To celebrate the occasion my way, I had only two essential items on my list this year: 1. ...

If you think this blog is going to teach you how to make cupcakes with almond flour and cashew milk butter sugar dust (that’s a vegan thing, right?) or if you think I’m here to dispense advise about minimizing your kid’s screen time then you have come to the wrong place. Here’s the thing. I like scrolling through the ‘gram and reading blogs as much as anybody, but I’m so tired of everyone pretending like they have the perfect life. My life is far from perfect, in fact it is so imperfect and chaotic that it is hilarious. I’m just Kelly and I want a platform to share the mundane chaos of my life; the funny, the embarrassing, the anxious – you know, real life shit. My life is not a fairy tale, and honestly, I wouldn’t even want it that way if it was an option. I was born and raised in Grand Rapids, Michigan and I have a useless college degree in Spanish and Latin American studies that I will pay off for the rest of my life (haha!). I moved to Chicago minutes after graduating colle...